Not alone, but alone

I'm starting with an acknowledgment that I am not alone in my attempt to gently navigate through an alternative reality brought on by Alzheimer's. Over the last few years, I've met countless people who are caregivers to a parent stricken with this disease. It is helpful to know that I am not alone...yet, I am.

I am an only child, and am solely responsible for the care and well-being of my mother. Up until four months ago, I was also responsible for my ailing father. His death in June changed everything. For the previous year I had been almost exclusively focused on his failing health. I was well aware that my mother's Alzheimer's was progressing, but my father's needs were complicated, immediate, and time-delimited (he died of lung cancer). After my father died I noticed -- was available to notice -- my mother's memory of much of our lives together as a family dissolved. Maybe it was because of my father's death that it seemed to happen so quickly.

A few days after his death, I was alone with her in her apartment in the assisted living facility. I was relating a story that a dear friend had shared with me about my father after hearing of his death. I hadn't cried in front of her at all, in my vigilant attempt to protect her and to quickly "normalize" her environment. But, as I shared my friend's story, I was overcome and finished the telling while looking at my lap. When done, in that moment, I knew that this wonderful story about my father's gentle spirit would illuminate her foggy existence long enough for her to connect with me. Tears running down my face, I looked at her...no emotion, no acknowledgment, no connection.

I was alone.

Although I am in community with other's who have similar stories, each of our experiences are unique and personal. Many of us are lucky enough to have supportive spouses, children, and friends...I know I am. Yet, it is a lonely experience as we daily mourn the version of a life that we shared with our parent. I lost my father, and -- in a way -- lost my mother.

I wonder if she feels alone too.